IPLFansite

Old courting techniques – acceptable twenty years ago – will not get you to first base this century.

Are you treating your new date the same way you treated your spouse of twenty years? Some men have forgotten – or were never aware of – simple little niceties (to use a quaint expression), that are important to a woman. What they don’t know would make a library anybody would be proud of.

Once familiar (in the comfort zone) it is customary – with many couples – to drop the `non-essential chivalry’. For convenience – or is it just laziness that he, only opens the car door when she is dressed up; fails to stand when she walks into a room even when guests are present; and allows her to stretch for the butter? Laziness? – we all know that lazy fellow who believes, `It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all’.

Unfortunately after a long relationship, these old habits are difficult to break. Men forget that there is another code of behaviour. Particularly men who are unaccustomed to the new breed of women: she (who is totally self-reliant) has a rewarding career, is secure in the knowledge that she is financially independent and will neither live her last years in poverty nor have to rely on a man to provide for her.

He is still living under the illusion that he is the provider – so he calls the shots. He is fascinated by the new breed of women. He admires her independence; has great respect for her business acumen and is envious of her courage, tenacity and self-discipline.

Although he appreciates her generosity, he is still living under the illusion that he is the provider – so he calls the shots. Old habits die hard, in fact, he is probably unaware that subconsciously his attitude has not changed – `I am the bread-winner so I make the decisions’.

While men held the ball in their court, women compromised. Since earning her independence and self-respect she knows there is no need for her to compromise; but sometimes she does – probably, again just following old habits.

Linda asked Ian to accompany her to Opening Night of the Ballet. She had already purchased the tickets and money was never discussed. On arrival in the foyer, Ian said to Linda, `I never buy a program, it’s my Scottish blood’.

Linda said to me afterwards, `I wanted a program. Should I have just gone up and bought one for myself? I didn’t because I felt it would be showing him up as a cheap skate’.

Ian is newly single and probably all his married life he paid for the tickets. Whilst he is paying for the tickets he feels that the ball is in his court. The ball is no longer always in his court, but he has not acclimatised to the current situation.

Linda pointed out, on the other hand, that last week John, a plutonic friend, took her to the ballet and although she did not offer to pay for the tickets as she knows John would be insulted, she purchased the program and insisted on buying the drinks.

Do some men feel that familiarity in a relationship precludes the necessity for good manners? Rosemary decided that it certainly must have caused the collapse of Rodney’s marriage. When she first met him Rosemary was terribly impressed.

He seemed so successful, articulate and intelligent. After one evening in his company she was positive that he could not have been terribly successful after all, in fact she was convinced that he was a loser.

Rosemary asked Rodney to accompany her to an extravagant charity dinner; everything was provided including transport by hire-car. To her dismay, before leaving home she realised she had no money for raffle tickets so asked Rodney did he have enough on them. `Yes fine’, said Rodney.

As Rosemary related the events of the evening to me she commented, `I felt so sorry for Rodney, it’s tragic to see such a well spoken, well-dressed handsome man spoiled by ignorance’. The event was orchestrated with prizes and gifts throughout the evening.

There was a lucky spot under his plate. Delighted for him, Rosemary went with Rodney to collect his prize and when the hostess asked him what would he prefer a men’s or lady’s prize, `A men’s’, piped up Rosemary (half expecting him to say a lady’s prize), but no – he wanted a prize for himself.

But it did not meet with his approval and after listening to his whinge for the third time, she suggested that he could have chosen a lady’s prize. His reply was, `No, you received a gift of on your place setting’.

Rosemary’s meal was late in coming, but Rodney did not give her a chance to suggest he start without her. He began as soon as the food was placed in front of him; nor did he offer to pass condiments. After the meal he accompanied her to search for the conveniences.

Rosemary hurried so as not to keep Rodney waiting. She waited outside for ten minutes before it occurred to her that if he couldn’t pass the salt and pepper he most probably would not wait for her either.

The four raffle tickets in which he invested were jealously guarded in front of his place at the table. When his number was called up, Rosemary jumped up and collected the prize (a basket of goodies), as though it was hers.

By the end of the evening her patience was spent, so on arrival home to his overtures of coveting the basket and selected goodies Rosemary said `Really I am too tired to fuss, lets worry about it later’.

Next morning as she related these instances, she wondered whether it had been a nightmare, but no, the basket of goodies was there as proof. Although she had intended giving him his basket of goodies, still irritated, she took great pleasure in sharing the loot with her staff. Perhaps Rodney had read Evelyn Waugh’s comment on manners, `Manners are especially the need of the plain. The pretty can get away with anything’.

Although lack of manners are due to ignorance and laziness they also stem from small mindedness. Women say to me. `When he told me what he did for a living, I was really impressed. I thought he must be tops in his profession, until his lack of manners gave me a different slant on him altogether. I realised that he couldn’t be terribly successful if he was so small minded’.

Penny was almost in awe of Joe, a top professional, until after their first meeting when he did not walk her to her car. Joe will probably wonder till his dying days why Penny, who seemed so keen, refused all further invitations. He, no doubt, confused bad manners with destiny.

The new breed of woman has travelled, been courted by European men or, at least, refined men with European-style manners. She can afford to buy her own meals. She is accustomed to men asking her for the pleasure of her company as distinct from offering to shout her a meal.

The new breed of woman conveys her enjoyment – provided it wasn’t one of those evenings that started at 7.30 pm and three hours later it was 7.45 pm. She does not thank him for the meal; she is expecting him to thank her for her company. After all . . . she can afford to pay for herself.

When courting the new breed of woman, follow the rules: 1 Her time is precious, be punctual; reserve a table in advance and make sure the evening is good value. 2 Remember you are talking to an intelligent woman. Don’t hog the conversation; on the other hand ensure you contribute.

3 Don’t try to impress her with your expertise in your job, she may be more successful. And never treat her livelihood as a hobby. 4 Don’t try to invade her privacy by asking her to reveal her lifelong goals; that is her business.

That same evening that Joe did not walk Penny to her car, at his condescending best, he asked, `What are your plans for the rest of your life?’ Quick as a flash, Penny (need I add – a highly successful business woman), opened her big blue eyes wide while she put on her very best dumb blonde expression to reply, `Well I have got a lot of ironing to do – tomorrow’.

If you are ever unsure, use tact. Social tact is making your company feel at home, even though you may wish they were not.

Above all, do not spoil an evening worrying about what is the right or wrong thing to do. Remember Oscar Wilde’s words, `Any preoccupation with ideas of what is right or wrong in conduct shows an arrested intellectual development’

Rosalind Baker is the Principal and Founder of Entre Nous Introduction Agency www.entrenous.com.au and author of 3 best sellers, Dial A Woman, Dial A Man and Dial A Personality To find out: Your Personality Type, or to find out”Are You Eligible” or “Are you ready for a relationship?” visit: www.singles.net.au